Regret
Consequences of Mistakes
I have always had a hard time dealing with the consequences of my mistakes. It stems from my journey as a recovering perfectionist. If I never make a mistake, I don’t have to deal with the pain of its fallout.
I’ve come to understand that this struggle is also due in part to developmental markers I missed in childhood. I never learned how to deal with disappointment. If I do everything right the first time, I don’t have to feel the helplessness of life gone awry.
Without the life skill of knowing how to mentally and emotionally cope with human limitations, I dealt with regret for many years. I didn’t know how to give myself grace.* Instead, I beat myself up in my thoughts, shaming myself when I made a decision that produced negative consequences.
If I made the best decision I knew to make about vacation plans, a child’s education, or a purchase for our family home and that decision resulted in a negative experience, I chided myself. I believed if I had made a better decision–the right decision–there would be no unpleasant consequences. It was my fault.
Harder still to face were the effects of my wrongs on others. I can hurt people that I love. Owning up to my character defects doesn’t guarantee immediate relational restoration. Life can be messy and the wait for healing is often slow.
Old Decision with Long Term Consequences
One the deep regrets I carried about my young adult life involved my college major choice. Like many eighteen year olds, when I applied for college, I didn’t know myself well. In those days, I was often a soloist for Sunday church services and received kudos for my voice. I liked to sing, and since I received affirmation for it, I thought perhaps I should pursue it as a vocation.
I had no idea what was involved with a career in music. By the time I figured it out and discovered my strengths that I preferred over singing, it was too late to change majors and still graduate with my peers. I shared this with a professor and he encouraged me to finish my degree and move on to something else later.
The fallout from my decision to pursue a music performance degree was that after graduation, I had no functional job skills. I could have taught private voice lessons but it would not have paid my bills. I went from a dead end low paying job to other dead end low paying jobs, unfulfilled and eking out an existence as best I could.
Blaming Myself
Others who didn’t expect perfection of themselves might chalk this up as a journey common to young adults. I, however, scolded myself for making a foolish decision that caused me to financially struggle until I was in my forties. Every time I experienced budget challenges, regret followed.
I believed if I would have picked a different major in college, I would not have floundered. I didn’t have eyes to see God’s faithfulness in the midst of my immature and inexperienced choices. Until I learned to give myself grace for what I didn’t know when I was eighteen, regret shadowed me. Until I learned that God didn’t judge me for my youthful limitations, I missed His goodness. I couldn’t appreciate His sovereignty.
God’s Faithfulness in Youthful Decisions
There was never a time I or my family went hungry. We had a roof overhead and experienced rich friendships and lavish love. Needs were met. God wasn’t hindered by my vocal performance degree.
God used the two colleges I attended to accomplish His preparation work in me. In my Christian college, I received invaluable training in theology and Bible, readying me for a career in ministry. In my liberal arts college, opportunities arose for growth in leadership skills. He didn’t waste anything.
Regret to Sorrow
As I healed and learned God’s grace for me, I could move from self-condemnation for my errors of judgment and sins to sorrow. Feeling sadness for how my mistakes and wrongs affected me and others was a healthy and giant step forward.
It was right and good for me to make amends where I needed to, but relational healing was a journey. Each time I witnessed the negative effects of my imperfections, I needed to take it to God. I asked for His grace and hope in the wait for healing. Redemption is His work and not mine. I can’t hurry it.
God’s grace is great. He doesn’t expect me to get everything right. He knows my limitations. Jesus died for my sins, not counting them against me (2 Corinthians 5:19). I can rest in His promises.
Trusting the grace of Jesus frees me from regret. It empowers me to open my hands and say, “Not my will but yours be done,” as I wait for His redemption.
Psalm 103:14 “For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”
*(Of course, that also meant I didn’t know how to give grace to others, but you can read about that in my book, “Lifted from Shame: Trauma to Redemption.”)
Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
Questions to Ponder:
Are there any decisions you made when you were younger that you regret today? How would believing God’s forgiveness and grace free you from regret?