A Forgotten List
Performing in Ministry
I was in college. After years of pretending to trust God, I began to face the truth. I could no longer keep up the charade. The doubts began to leak out. You wouldn’t have known it by observation of my lifestyle.
I led a children’s choir and taught first through third graders in the thousands-member church I attended. I served on my campus ministry leadership team. I did one-on-one discipleship with a number of students in that ministry using curriculum I wrote. I led Bible studies in my dorm room where a few young women came to know Jesus. I helped lead and teach in the large group gathering we held in the Student Union. My sincere commitment to follow Jesus kept me busy in ministry but my heart lacked joy.
The activities that others taught would make God pleased with me and bring me peace gave me no peace. Shame reigned in my heart and mind. I didn’t know how to experience God’s delight in me. I couldn’t believe that God might have interest in me in the present when He seemed absent in the past.
Honest Doubts
As was his practice, our campus ministry leader came to visit me during the first semester to check on how my ministry expressions were going. When we met, I told him what I believed I should say and what I thought he wanted to hear. I gave him the measurable information of how many people came to the Bible studies, large group gatherings, and the number of fellow students I discipled. This, to me, was the way to gauge my growth. It proved my commitment. Performance showed my devotion. I didn’t know another way of being a Christian.
I don’t recall how my leader responded to my productivity numbers. I do remember him being able to discern what was really going on within me. My leader listened, then asked how I was doing with God.
I surprised myself by my honesty. “I think God does whatever He wants and doesn’t care about what is important to me. Sometimes I doubt His existence. And if He is real, I don’t think He answers prayer.”
Would God Show Up?
I thought my leader would offer a theological rebuke and remove me from my ministry responsibilities. Instead, he asked, “Why don’t you ask God to reveal Himself to you? He wants you to know and trust Him.”
I didn’t know what to say. How was God to reveal Himself to me? I didn’t think He’d show up in a burning bush. My leader suggested I create a list of ten ways that God might reveal that he is real and that He cares about what is important to me. Skeptically, I began writing late that night.
My list contained requests for the salvation of friends who were hardened toward Christianity. I asked for financial provision and specific direction for the near future. I thought they were reasonable requests, but had no faith that any would happen.
I threw the list in my dorm room desk drawer and forgot about it. My faith was small. I continued serving in my ministry roles and meeting regularly with my campus leader for the rest of the school year. Performance for acceptance continued to be my motivation in ministry and life.
God Reveals Himself
All of us students needed to clear out our dorm rooms at the end of second semester. I gathered boxes and suitcases. I packed my clothes and books, then pulled out my middle desk drawer to sort out its contents.
At the back of the drawer I found the God list my campus ministry leader encouraged me to create. I hadn’t looked at it once or even thought about it since I wrote it. I read through my requests again.
Every single request on the list came to be. Each student I asked to come to know Jesus did. I had even prayed with one of them when they gave their life to Him. The financial provision came through. Direction for next steps was clear.
I wept. God had not forgotten. He revealed Himself to me. He cared about what was important to me. The memory of it still makes me weep. He showed me who He is. He is good and faithful. Through the years He has waited much longer to answer my prayers, but He met me in my youth, demonstrating His interest in the details of my life. It was a benchmark time in my faith journey. He is worthy of my trust.
Isaiah 65:1 (NIV) “I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call on my name, I said, ‘Here am I, here am I.’”
Photo by Daniel Chekalov on Unsplash