Like Going to the Prom with Your Brother

Pouring out my complaint

I sat in our family room with my mentor, Nancy.  I was in despair.  She drove over to be with me when I couldn’t stop sobbing while we spoke on the phone.  After courageously facing the severe sexual abuse from my childhood, life felt too hard.  I didn’t know how to go on.  

Processing the harsh reality of the trauma was challenging enough.  On top of that, my marriage struggled, in large measure due to the brokenness in me that the abuse produced.  My faithful husband stuck with me through it all, but I hurt him a great deal.  As a result, it was difficult for him to draw close to me.  He loved me deeply, but because of the complicated nature of the healing process, I couldn’t see it and didn’t know how to receive it.

Nancy listened as I poured out my complaint.  She empathized with my fears and hurts, comforting with tender expressions of her care.  She then encouraged me to focus on God’s love for me.  She assured me that God’s love would heal my heart if I let it.

Is God’s love enough?

In response, I cried,  “I don’t want God’s love. Yes, God loves me, but God loves everybody.  He has to. He’s God. It’s His job.  I want my husband’s love. I want someone to love me uniquely. I want to feel chosen, special, and cherished.  God’s love is like going to the prom with your brother.  It’s second best.  It’s the booby prize for people who have nothing else.” 

God’s love felt abstract and elusive, not tangible and real.  I didn’t understand how the love of a God I can’t see, touch, or talk to face to face could meet the deep relational needs of my heart.  It didn’t make sense to me nor did it seem possible.  

Nancy stopped for a moment and then spoke. “It sounds like you believe romantic love is better than God’s love.”  

I looked at Nancy and nodded. “It's true.  Love that is a general sweeping love for all of humanity doesn’t fully reach my heart.  I want someone to love me as if I was the only one for them.  That’s not what God’s love looks like to me.”

Nancy declared, “Then we will pray for God to reveal to you how much He loves you.  His love is not the booby prize.  It is the grand prize.  It is the greatest love you will ever know.”  

God meets me in my fear and unbelief

I had sung from early childhood, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…”1 1 knew countless Bible verses that mention God’s love but I didn’t understand how to experience it personally.  I interpreted God’s love to be an affection for all people.  I was one in the sea of humanity.  

I received the gift of believing in Jesus's death in my place on the cross when I was small. I belonged to Him, but it took many years to learn to trust Him with me.  All of us who have experienced relational hurt have a hard time trusting.  God knows this, and woos us to Himself, revealing who He is and His heart for us as we are ready to risk trusting Him.  

Slowly, God answered Nancy’s prayer for me.  As I took baby steps to open my heart to receive His personal care for me, I began to feel His love.  I experienced His unique interest in me.  He loved the world and at the same time individually delighted in me. 

Wonder of wonders, He knows me and likes being with me.  And I have learned to enjoy being with Him too.  There is nowhere I’d rather be than in His presence.

In time, I found I had fewer expectations of my husband.  My growing confidence in God’s desire to value and care for me began to free me from my fear that my needs would go unmet.

Learning to believe and receive the love of God changed me and my marriage. I could recognize the many ways my husband loved me when it didn’t have to be all on my terms.  This was a blessing in itself, but the greatest gift was learning to experience the love of God.  It is truly the grand prize. 

“May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.”  2 Thessalonians 3:5

Questions to ponder: 

When, if ever, do you have a difficult time believing God’s love for you?   What has helped you to grow in confidence in God's love for you?

1 “Jesus Loves Me” by Anna B. Warner, 1860