Casting Anxieties
Impending Doom
I came into my adult life with an ever-present fear of impending doom. I’ve heard this is a common trait in trauma survivors. If a person has often experienced trauma, anticipating doom can seem like a good preparation for what may come next. Expecting severe distress can trick you into believing you are ready for it, even though you aren’t. Trauma is trauma. It sneaks up on you and affects everything in your being–body and soul.
Helpful Tools
I have purposed in my heart to continue to partner with God in my healing process. I lived in a state of fear and shame for decades and have come a long way. I learned multiple tools to put in place when fear and shame arise. I know what to do when overwhelming emotions surface. As I work the tools, the feelings usually subside within a few minutes. The old lies inherent in fear and shame don’t hold the power they once did in me, all to God’s glory.
A Sleepless Night
That being said, a few weeks ago, I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind raced with anxiety. Uneasiness and nervousness over what might happen in a few challenging situations held me captive. The concern came from valid fear. Sometimes God, in His perfect sovereignty, allows terrible events to occur. The old fear of impending doom reared its ugly head again.
I laid in my bed and mentally went through my tools, one by one. Remembering God’s faithfulness, recounting His presence in the past during trauma, didn’t seem to help. Praising God for His attributes didn’t pierce the wall of nervousness around my mind and heart. Quoting Scripture that spoke to God’s love and tender care had little effect. Speaking the words of my anxiety in the form of prayer requests to God didn’t give me peace. The legitimacy of my fears felt stronger than God’s peace.
In recent years each one of the tools would have brought serenity to my mind. On this occasion, it didn’t. I knew the problem wasn’t with the tools or with God. It was something going on in me I couldn’t define. Sleep eluded me.
The Holy Spirit’s Help
After a number of hours, I got out of bed and dressed for my morning walk. I brought my plea to the Holy Spirit. I needed His help. I didn’t want to go back to life overshadowed by debilitating fear and shame. “What’s going on in me, Holy Spirit? Why am I clutching instead of trusting you?”
I named my fear aloud. “I am afraid that _______________ will happen because it has happened before. Yes, I survived it and, yes, you were there with me in it, but today I don’t believe I could get through it again.”
Ah, there it was. I believed I had to protect myself. I didn’t want Him to protect me. I wanted Him to prevent another trauma from happening. I knew God wouldn’t guarantee the outcome. He desired that I would trust Him, no matter what.
I Peter 5:7 came to mind. “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you (ESV).” I pictured myself fly fishing while standing near a shore. I put my anxieties on the hook and cast them as far away from me as I could, into God’s hands.” I felt immediate relief and peace.
There is nothing in me that is able to carry my anxieties, especially ones grounded in valid fear. Only God can take the burdens of my heart and hold them for me, ministering to me with His presence and peace.
I Peter 5:7 “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
Photo by Lionello DelPiccolo on Unsplash