Surprised by Love
40th Birthday
As my fortieth birthday approached, I carried a sense of dread. I believed I hadn’t accomplished what I should have accomplished by that age. I spent my thirties dealing with the aftermath of childhood trauma. In my estimation, that process hindered me from any sort of effectiveness.
My weekly schedule was filled with volunteer ministry commitments to children and adults, but I couldn’t fathom that I had made a difference. I dearly loved each one, and felt privileged to walk with them through their struggles, but I minimized the importance of my role in their lives.
A good friend invited me and my family over for dinner on my birthday. I was blessed by her thoughtfulness, as well as another friend who was there to greet me when I arrived. They sang a little song of appreciation for me, which touched my heart. In the middle of their song, a door swung open and out streamed dozens of people, shouting, “Surprise!”
Stunned by their presence, I thanked them for coming, greeting each one. I felt overwhelmed by their kindness.
Shaking with Confusion
As the evening wore on and we enjoyed a potluck meal together, I found that I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t eat and could barely take a sip of water. I made small talk and looked through the beautiful notebook created for me with cards and notes of thanks and affirmations.
I didn’t understand why I shook. My repeated thoughts were, “I don’t know what to do.” “I don’t know what to do.”
Just before everyone was to leave, they gathered in the backyard. The hostess carried out a birthday cake. Forty candles glowed over the cake and lit the darkness.
As my friends and family sang the birthday song for me, I turned to my friend as she held the cake. I spoke my thoughts aloud. “I don’t know what to do.”
She cocked her head a little to one side, smiled at me with gentle kindness, and said, “Louise, you have to let us love you back.”
Receiving Love
Ah. That was it. I knew what to do when I was the one loving others. I didn’t know what to do when others loved me. The unsettled feeling this created caused me to shake with anxiety.
My precious friends and family had no agenda but to honor and love me. They didn’t want me to fear. They wanted to shower me with love and then have me receive it.
Receiving love requires vulnerability. It needs unguardedness. It takes humility to receive love because it means that you must admit you have needs. It takes a willingness to risk trusting others who won’t get it right every time.
The imaginary wall I had created around my heart was meant to protect me from relational hurt. Instead, it kept me from receiving love. I had to learn to let down my guard and risk letting people in who might imperfectly love me. I discovered that when I chose to take down the bricks in the imaginary wall around my heart a little at a time, I began to experience love from others. It didn’t happen overnight, but as I risked it, I received love.
God is a Gentleman
It is the same with God’s love. He doesn’t force Himself on us. He is a gentleman. He waits patiently for us to receive the gifts He offers to us. He knows we need time to learn to trust Him. When we do, we can experience the love He has given us all along. He is Love itself.
John 1:12 “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name.”
Photo by Aneta Pawlik on Unsplash
Questions to Ponder: Is it easier for you to give or receive love?
When have you guarded your heart? How do you believe that guardedness has helped you? Has it really helped you? Why or why not?